Fade out to life behind the fourth wall. It is a tedious one. A relentless quest for meaning and a quiet grieving for the lack of.
It is a foolish search for a film-like narrative of “you” and the best that you can do is to try to construct one around the notion of the absurd. You may consider consoling yourself with Camus’ philosophy, but then again, he insisted he was an optimist. That brilliant bastard first lends you a compassionate hand and then beats you senseless with a stick.
If this is an experimental, Warhol-type of film that is testing you with ridiculous length, someone should really come out and tell. But who the hell would want to watch YOU sleep? You come to a profound conclusion that you are pretty much pitiful, as you contemplate entering a Truman Show-like existence. That perky fucker supposedly wanted out, but you, you want in. You need to address your audience, immediately. Tell them there IS a story in you! Show your tumultuous inner struggle. It is a truly captivating one, you are almost certain on occasions.
But where is your fourth wall?
Well, you might have known if you have not chickened out of that high school film project. Now, here you are, void of an audience to your unique existence.
There are really just a couple of things you can do just now. The less messy for everyone is to just watch something. I mean, you can really suspend this nonsense for two hours, right now. You just need to find a more structured world to observe. And to not hate it. To love it!
But you have seen everything there is to see. Even unseen things feel seen. It seems as if you can experience an entire film just by looking carefully at the poster. You cannot get rid of an ugly impression that you cannot be surprised anymore. You fear you have become inconsolable by film.
Wait, that can’t be true. There are tons of stuff you haven’t seen that has to be good. Old stuff you feel guilty for not seeing long enough. New stuff you don’t even know exists and need to dig out. A rewatch, strangely, seems the most viable choice for thrills lately. Whatever the choice – parallel worlds are waiting to be cast in great resolution on various screens within your room. You just need to make a choice. Pick a portal out of this world, now!
And, please, tell me, which one did you pick?
Maelzel’s Chess Player
– a fraudulent automaton from the 19th century that watches movies to fill the void.