What if these mainstream commercial movies were made by some of the most iconic filmmakers of our time? Here is how that alternate reality might be like.
SEX TAPE by Woody Allen
A couple tries to make a sex tape but keeps ending up in marital quarrels that are caught on camera. The result is a very well documented video log of modern day marriage crisis.
As they realize the video can be viewed on tablets they gave away to friends, they try to prevent a social disaster and get entangled in even weirder conversations along the way.
Their concerns: apart from sexual dysfunction, the video reveals some rather shameful views on issues like race, gender, who sleeps with whom and what they really think about their friends.
By the end of the movie the tape helps them find partners with much closer opinions on taxation, migration policy and yoga.
Tagline: They did everything but screw.
BIG by Spike Jonze
A weird circus machine grants a pre-teen to become adult Tom Hanks.
Instead of Tom doing movies, we now follow an alternate time line in which the pre-teen steers Tom’s body into the corporate world of toy production.
Once getting the job, the boy comes up with ingenious ideas for toys and develops a goal to become an industry magnate who gives away all toys but somehow is still insanely rich.
Although he starts off strong and puts the greedy adult world to shame with innocent and yet brilliant ideas, it all goes to hell after he discovers sex with an unperceptive, alcoholic co-worker who is also a nihilist.
Tagline: A depressing new comedy
THE NOTEBOOK by Lars von Trier
A soon-to-be-wed Rachel McAdams escapes society by engaging in uninhibited sexual behavior with a jobless, mad Ryan Gosling who is living on the outskirts of town.
Gosling is a World War II veteran who suffers from PTSD while McAdams can not accept becoming a sexist female stereotype. The two try to make sense of the world through heated exchanges of aggression and affection.
CHECK OUT: 5 Music Videos That Would Make Great Movies
As Gosling admits that he did not really commit any acts of bravery in the war and McAdams reveals she partially enjoys life as a 1950’s suburban housewife, von Trier delivers yet another controversial and unapologetic examination of false pretenses in morality, just wars and emancipation.
By the end of the film Ryan Gosling’s mental health significantly improves but Rachel McAdams erases the memory of their relationship through self-inflicted dementia.
Tagline: The love story to end all hope.
50 FIRST DATES by Michel Gondry
A man must woo a woman with short-term memory loss every single day.
Another beautifully weird movie from the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in which love has to beat impossible situations in order to prove it is a lasting thing.
Adam Sandler is a man who has the unique opportunity to engage in romantic conquest each day while staying faithful. His pathological need for presenting the best version of himself over and over again goes unnoticed by a forgetful and cheerful Drew Barrymore.
By the end of the film we discover the two are genetically engineered lab mice living in a simulated reality. The study is funded by a lifestyle magazine that wants to get Facebook shares from a more academic audience.
Tagline: Imagine having your ego validated… every friggin’ day!
PAUL BLART: MALL COP by Martin Scorsese
An unstable, dateless middle-aged man struggles to resist committing an act of violence in a shopping mall he should be guarding.
As his exaggerated reports of mass shooting threats make him a laughing stock among his fellow security guards, Blart eventually stocks up on weapons and gets a Mohawk. With holidays fast-approaching, he considers leaving the world with a bang so that he no longer bears witness to frivolous consumer decadence in the face of imminent danger.
When Santa and his little helpers shut down the mall down and take hostages, Blart sees the perfect opportunity to launch a full-fledged attack on the epitome of capitalism, on a Segway.
Tagline: Psychosis never takes a holiday.
Bonus: THE TRIAL by Michael Bay
After an unknown court puts Joe K. on trial without even telling him the indictment, he has no choice but to open up his weapons stash and go on rampage against evil.
We see Joe make a sidekick out of a court painter and together they ruthlessly gun down a parallel justice system. As they empty their bullet barrages in attic-hiding human scum, we get dizzy by low angle shots spinning around them.
Along the way Joe gets acquainted with some highly attractive victims of human trafficking coerced into sex trade by the court. One of them falls hard for our guy and they later have incredible, life-changing sex to an Aerosmith power ballad revealing even more of their tanned, ripped bodies. Way to go, Joe and former human trafficking victim!
Tagline: Arrested and prosecuted. But for what, he does not know – or care.
Images transformed under Fair Use copyright principle.
Maelzel’s Chess Player
– a fraudulent automaton from the 19th century that watches movies to fill the void.